A range of discussions have ensued in the world of KinkTok and Reddit in regards to negotiations, consent and the concept of CNC.
For those who are new to the lifestyle CNC stands for Consensual Non-Consent. To start with, CNC is always conflated with “rape” play, but they are not synonymous and “rape” play is just one of many types of CNC and at its broadest form just refers to the giving of consent before the start of any play, for any action that is controlled or decided by the dominant party.
Now to be fair, when we start talking about CNC, blanket consent, free use etc we want to make sure that we have solid understanding of the principles of consent and risk before even trying to understand the extra level.
Everything to do with CNC and blanket consent etc is premised on the follow that you really shouldn’t engage in it when you are new to the lifestyle or in a new relationship. And this is because CNC and blanket consent, is where a lot of predators like to hang out, because it gives them this carte blanche to do whatever they want to with you, and if you are new and not really familiar with keys principles like FRIES< CRISP, RACK, SSC or how to do risk profiles or even really know what you are into and not, then entering into blanket consent or CNC is probably not the best thing to do. It is usually reserved for those with experience and who have complete trust and understanding with their partner.
Consent the basics
There is another great topic that goes through consent and various acronyms that you can read HERE
But just to quickly touch bases, in most situation just because we say yes, one time doesn’t mean we are saying yes to do it again in the future, or that we are saying yes to other things not discussed, or that we cannot revoke consent at anytime. Likewise, the use of safewords and gestures is always something that should be discussed and can be agreed to ensure everyones safety.
However, in the world of kink and BDSM, while consent is the foundation of everything that we participate in, it is also customizable, and this is where some people in the community like to push their boundaries and their limits.
Let’s start with CNC as Blanket consent
I lot of people see CNC and Blanket consent as almost interchangeable and that anything that uses safewords or the ability to withdraw consent, doesn’t fall under the terminology of CNC.
Blanket consent (aka Meta Consent), means that you negotiate and agree to consent once, and then asking for consent is not required or entertained into the future. Now because kink is customizable, there are those who negotiate blanket consent in everything associated with their dynamic, while others may only negotiate certain parts where blanket consent is given in the relationship., for example in some dynamics punishment is where consent cannot be withdrawn.
Furthermore, for some consent is given based on a list of pre-discussed and acknowledged boundaries and limits that the Dominant can work within, while in other arrangements, the submissives (normally slaves) boundaries and limits are not even considered.
We usually see blanket consent in TPE dynamics, where the submissive consensually relinquishes all control and power to the Dominant in the dynamic, and consensually from the beginning they are agreeing that their consent is no longer considered or entertained.
In essence, blanket consent, is just consent at the beginning and recognizes that moving forward, everything that the Dominant chooses to do to the submissive, it is assumed that there is already consent to do it. Thinking about blanket consent in that sense, there really isn’t a non-consensual part, because consent is already assumed.
Outside of Blanket consent – CNC can just be a scene.
We tend to see CNC used as well when it comes to scenes, rather than relationship types. Usually, they may involve not fully knowing everything that is going to happen, so that there is some surprises, but is also utilized by those who enjoy more rough play, where pushing back is part of the excitement.
CNC can include consensual and negotiated actions that occur when someone is asleep, drunk, intoxicated etc as well. Where prior consent has been given for agreed actions and activities to occur when they are not in a frame of mind to give consent. It could be as simple as “I agree for you to spank me however, and with whatever you would like to”.
CNC in this form, can be negotiated within certain boundaries eg: can do whatever but can’t leave marks, or nothing involving knives. Or it can be a TPE scene, where regardless of limits or boundaries everything is possible.
CNC can be extremely dangerous
CNC falls under the broader term of edgeplay, not to be mistaken for edging. Edgeplay is a form of BDSM which is about pushing the boundaries, limits and ideologies of consent, both physically and mentally (other types include breathe play, blood play, fire play etc). You can read our introduction to edgeplay HERE and HERE
So yes, CNC carries with it extreme physical and emotional risks, that parties need to understand, consider and be aware of.
Which is why it is always recommended that less experienced BDSM enthusiasts should more slowly and cautiously in this space, for many it can take years of being in a dynamic, relationship or knowing someone before even entertaining the idea of incorporating CNC.
So, can you have safewords?
Short answer – yes.
The long answer will depend on who you speak to.
There are those in the community who follow the quote “A slave with a safeword is just a Domme on her knees”, and the use of safewords are not negotiated in their TPE dynamics, and this is perfectly valid. There are also submissives who enter into such arrangements and do not want safewords, and again this is valid. There are others that have safewords there as a last resort even in TPE arrangements.
KINK IS CUSTOMISABLE
Just because there is an agreed safeword, doesn’t mean it is ever used, and doesn’t devalue the arrangement that has been negotiated, nor does it negate that what is arranged is still a form of CNC. There is no one-true way.
For those who engage in CNC and don’t use safewords, these relationships are founded on years of trust. The submissive partner, knows that the Dominant partner will not cause them emotional or physical harm, or death. This level of trust comes with time.
The absolute bottom line in all of this, is if you give consent you can withdraw consent! Anyone who says you can’t is wrong, it all comes down to the consequences of withdrawing that consent. For most, its as simple as a safeword, for others who are heavily invested in long term Master/slave meta dynamic, its completing ending the relationship.
Having the ability to withdraw consent doesn’t mean someone will, and for those who are in those long term, and usually for life dynamics where blanket consent has been given, they would never want to leave!
Red flags/Green Flags
Because CNC is where a lot of abusers and predators can easily work within, it is extremely important that you vet potential partners properly.
Here are some key red flags
- Wanting to engage in CNC straight away
- Early on in vetting advising that they don’t entertain safewords in any capacity
- Ignoring safewords (in negotiated scenes) early on in the relationship
Here are some key green flags:
- Recognises CNC requires trust and trust takes time to build
- Negotiates the incorporation of CNC in a slow, controlled manner
- Communicates clearly
- Respects boundaries and limits, needs and desires.