We are huge believers that knowledge and guidelines provide safe parameters for play.
If you want to try BDSM, and you want to do it safely, here’s some basics to keep in mind as you experiment and play in your newfound wonderland. Remember to always do research and if you can attend online or irl classes and dungeons for better experience.
Acronyms
The following is a list of the main acronyms used in BDSM and Kink around safety protocols. These are a great starting point, despite there being some debate within the kink-community about their use, vagueness etc.
Safe, Sane and Consensual. (SSC)
PLEASE NOTE: This particular acronym has in more recent years been replaced by more updated terminologies due to ableist language it uses regarding mental health. Ostracising those in the community who have mental health conditions. Here at Altlife.Community we listen to those whose voices can be marginalised and recommend the use of other acronyms.
These were some of the bedrock principals of BDSM. Someone not engaged in the BDSM lifestyle may look at BDSM and wonder how "safe, sane, and consensual" enters into the picture as they may see BDSM as unsafe or unhealthy according to misconceptions about the lifestyle.
First what is safe?
Safety in BDSM is taking care of their partner so that no matter how intense the scene may be, no injury or transfer of danger disease occurs; that all precautions have been taken to minimize potential dangers. This means doing the research and being knowledgeable about what your engaging in to protect your partner as well as yourself.
Remember Nobody wants an embarrassing visit to the emergency room.
Sane:
This means that people involved act responsibly and exercise good judgement. Essentially, everyone needs to have the ability to engage in appropriate self-control, if you can't control yourself, then entering a situation where there is power exchange, then you shouldn't participate. This also then play into the last part, consent.
We recognize the term Sane for many is considered ableist language, despite the intention behind it's use.
Consent:
Consent occurs when everyone involved voluntarily agrees to the proposal or desires of another. In order for someone to consent, they must be free from any type of impaired judgement: that is not intoxicated (drugs or alcohol), mental health issues that may impair judgement, not influenced by coercion or bullying tactics etc.
Risk-Aware Consensual Kink (RACK)
RACK or Risk-Aware Consensual Kink was created as a response to those who felt that SSC was too vague and confusing.
Risk-aware:
Simply put you’re “aware of the risk”. This should include being able to name the risks and how to prevent them.
Consensual:
Everyone is on board with what you’re about to do or what you’re currently doing and there is no impairment to judgment or to be able to give consent.
Kink:
The thing, activity, power exchange, scene, or moment (you can view our A-Z List of Kinks and fetishes)
If you’re new to RACK but you like it, use this like a checklist. Can you name the risks? Are you both able to affirm your consent to each other? Do you understand exactly what event/activity is about to take place?
Personal Responsibility, Informed, Consensual Kink (PRICK)
You’re not a prick if you follow PRICK.
PRICK is the next evolution beyond RACK. It stands for Personal Responsibility, Informed, Consensual Kink and was developed as a response to make it clear that all kinksters should take personal responsibility for their kink.
Informed means (or implies) that you understand what is about to happen — risks and all. Consensual kink is what we’re all looking for.
The idea being that if you take personal responsibility for yourself and you’re informed, now you can have some consensual kink.
Caring, Communication, Consent, Caution (CCCC)
Caring:
If you care for someone, genuinely care for someone, then you will look out for their best interest. You want to learn about their history, hobbies, interests, dreams, aspirations and their quirks. Care builds trust between two playmates or partners and that trust is the foundation to a scene and to a relationship.
Consent:
BDSM is not your everyday activities and most often it involves two or more people. Hence it is important that everyone involved agrees to be part of it. Some resistance, edge or 'consensual non-consent' plays may require actual consent forms signed before a scene. Regardless, there must be verbal or written consent before playing out a scene.
Communication:
This is fundamental to BDSM. It involves negotiating a scene between playmates, learning about one another, relationship building, receiving feedbacks during and after a scene and etc. Being a good communicator is integral to a stable relationship, whether vanilla or BDSM. There is no such thing as over-communicated, so talk it out.
Caution:
You must be aware of the risk, of the possibility of a danger and act with caution, including how to prevent those risks.
Consent is FRIES
Freely given. Should always be asked for first, without pressure, manipulation, force or anything.
Reversible. You can always change your mind and take away consent at any moment for any reason. (and yes that also includes TPE, just means reversing consent in these will usually end the contract and dynamic)
Informed communication. Always be honest open about what consent you’re asking for or giving consent for.
Enthusiastic. If the person isn’t into it and having fun then there is NO CONSENT GIVEN.
Specific. Saying yes to one this it NOT saying yes to everything.
This is my preferred acronym as it applies not just to safeplay in the BDSM community, but in all human interactions.
note that there is a new version of this which is **CRISP**: Considered Reversible Informed Specific Participatory
Freely given and enthusiastic have been replaced in recognition that there are systemic power imbalances in society (eg systemic racism) that need to be considered which may make Freely given consent difficult.
Secondly the change to participatory as every needs to be involved in the decision making process.
There are a variety of acronyms that float around, the above being the most common.
Conclusions on acronyms around safety in BDSM
As is so often the case, the real key is communication. Acronyms like SSC, RACK etc; are fine as shortcuts and to give overarching guidance to safe play. What is crucial is discussion and negotiation in plain language:
"what we are going to do and what’s going to happen after (especially if we’ve never played before)"
"What does safety mean to you?"
"What steps are you taking to ensure it as much as you can?"
"What happens if and when something goes wrong?" Be specific.
More importantly, show me by your actions that you know what you’re doing, that you’re aware of the limitations (yours, mine, and the space we’re in). Be responsible by checking in, check up after, and preparing for the scene (before, during, and after).
AFTERCARE
Aftercare is the concept that a BDSM scene is not just finished right away. It doesn’t matter if the scene ended with a safeword or an orgasm or whatever; the human body and spirit may need aftercare in order to heal physically and mentally from a scene, especially scenes that may be emotionally or psychologically intense.
A common misconception is that aftercare is the responsibility of the Top to give to the bottom, but the bottom may also provide aftercare to the Top. Aftercare may also be performed by another person entirely, for example a third person may enter after the scene to provide aftercare, and this is perfectly acceptable to negotiate.
As with everything, aftercare needs to be discussed, negotiated and agreed upon. Because kink is customisable, what aftercare looks like for you, may be very different to someone else, which may even be no aftercare. The important thing is everyone is aware of any needs after a scene and what those needs are and how they may be met.
What aftercare may look like:
- alone time
- wrapping a warm blanket around each other, as body temperature drops drastically when your body comes out of shock
- holding and cuddling each other
- stroking their hair
- giving them a massage
- bringing them a glass of water to rehydrate their body
- bring them a snack, especially if your playmate has low blood sugar issues
- applying aloe if you've hit them hard enough to break or bruise the skin
- whispering quietly to them, rubbing their back, and reminding them how much you love them
- letting them cry, be angry, shake, or whatever they need to feel at that moment
- talking quietly about the scene, what they felt, what you liked, and re-sharing the intimacy of it together
- playing soft music, talking soothingly to them, reading to them, praying together, drawing them a warm bath, or anything else soothing
- having a shower or bath
- some people need space alone before they can reconnect with their play partner/s
The important thing is to discuss, negotiate and agree on what aftercare will look like for you.
CHECKINS
A check in is where either partner provides clues as to their comfort, pain tolerance, pleasure level or other information during a scene or play session. Even the most experienced players continue to check in with their partners during play; it is a good practice to have.
A check in is a moment when play is suspended to see if everything is still okay and that your partner is willing to continue. The Dom/Top or sub/bottom can perform a check in, however, it is more common for the Dom/Top to do so.
On the most basic level, a check in is asking, "How are you?" "Do you remember your safewords?" or "Is everything okay?"
There are also non-verbal check-ins, such as a squeeze of the hand, leg, etc. It could be a whisper or a special touch. All of these can be ways in which to check in with your play partner, and should be discussed before any play/scene.
Your or theirs response to these simple questions can give a lot of information. From your/their mental/emotional state to whether you've reached your/their pain limit. A good Dom/Top will be able to hear what you aren't saying and can read body language and tone of your voice (note: inexperienced play partners, or new relationships may not be able to do this, so do not assume.)
Provide Good Information
When asked to check in, never just say you are fine. You need to be specific, eg: that you feel good or bad. Express your excitment or even that what you are physically feeling, like you back/ass is really sore and hot. Take this time to share about numb limbs or other discomforts you may not have noticed until this request to check in.
If you need water or a break, do not be afraid to say so. It doesn't make you any less for requesting these things. Mention where you are at mentally, for example how foggy you are or if you are close to Dom/sub-space.
Warnings to Pay Attention To
Frequent check ins can be annoying and a Dominant's constant need for reassurance could be a sign of lack of confidence. A Dominant should not be expected to play without any feedback at all however. Find a happy medium during negotiation so that you can continue to play safely and make it enjoyable.
If at any point you feel dizzy or shaky or weak make sure you check in immediately as these can be signs of non-diabetic hypoglycemia.
If during a check-in your play partner is non-verbal (unable to speak or make noise etc) and this was not discussed prior to play, it is imperative that you immediately stop the scene and go straight into aftercare. While some play partners can become non-verbal and have to use physical signs during check-ins or in replace of safewords, this needs to be discussed prior to any play.
HYGEINE
It sounds silly that with consenting adults we need to discuss hygiene, but for safe play it is important. it's not just about practicing safe sex to reduce the risk of STI transmission, but certain play if not done with hygiene in mind and proper cleaning and care, can make you sick. So, here are some basic safe sex and hygiene rules:
Safe sex
- Condoms are a good place to start to reduce unwanted pregnancy and STI's.
- Female contraception - is a second alternative to stop unwanted pregnancy.
- Blood/STI tests - it is always a good thing to discuss sexual history, any known infections you have had in the past, and even consider getting STI tests done with new play partners.
You should to speak with you play partner and medical professional with respect to contraceptives and tests.
Toy/environment Cleaning
Yes your toys need to be cleaned. Here are some examples for toy cleaning:
- Silcone, stainless steel, pyrex and stone - should be sterilised with boiling hot water or in the dishwasher (no soap)
- Glass, finished wood, anything with a motor – wash with mild soap + damp cloth
- Vinyl – wash with mild soap and hot water
- Cyberskin – soap + warm/hot water. Alcohol. Avoid harsh detergents. Cornstarch or talc preserves the feel
- Synthetic Rope – washing machine on high
- Leather – leather cleaner + mild conditioner.
- Sheets – hydrogen peroxide then wash in hot water
- Natural rope – Antibacterial wipe. 2 days in bright sunlight. Germs don’t live that long – 4-6 weeks in a dry place, germs die
Make sure you clean bedsheets and wipe down benches and tables with anti-bacterial wipes. clean all surfaces before and after use.
Personal Hygiene
Yes, you do need to consider your own personal hygiene as well. This will just be basic considerations of personal hygiene and will briefly touch on safe play for particular kinks which will be available soon.
- wash your hands, body and brush your teeth before and after (manners is everything).
- Consider douching before anal play.
- Have a cold sore? - maybe forgo play until the sore is healed (these are part of the herpes family and oral sex while sporting a cold sore can give your play partner/s genital herpes)
Whether you’re playing with a professional, with a partner or a kinky friend(s), you want to look after their health as well as your own. This is Hygiene and self-care plays a big part in that. Maintaining a high level of hygiene is not only more pleasant for a session, but it can help ensure that no STD’s/STI’s are transferred, or risk someone getting sick.