Vetting in BDSM is an important part of ensuring your own and the communities safety. Vetting is done in a variety of situations and for a variety of reasons.
For example, educators may be vetted before they present or run classes at munches, dungeons, conventions or online etc. Platforms, like Altlife.Community may undertake a form of vetting through requiring ID verification, and then of course you have your standard process of vetting a new partner.
In the context of this topic we are looking specifically at vetting new play partners.
“Vetting a new partner” means making sure they are who they say they are and doing your best to make sure they’re safe. It’s an old school practice in BDSM that gets ignored too often in today’s meet-online-first world. Before you get kinky with someone for the first time, do your homework on who this person is instead of just taking their word for it.
The Vetting Process
The vetting process allows two or more people to compare their wants, desires, needs, limits, morals etc with each other. This helps to test the waters as to compatibility and how the other person will react to your desired role. Additionally, vetting potential play partners, also helps to weed out abusers, and those that aren't compatible with you.
For example if you are a rope bunny and a potential play partner is a rigger then there is more opportunity for there to be compatibility with each of your needs, desires, interests etc.
Vetting should also be an ongoing process. Not something that is done once off at the start, but an ongoing form of communication with partner/play partner in terms of your relationship/dynamic, whether needs are being met etc. You should always be re-evaluating and communicating any concerns.
Quick guide
Vetting should happen when looking or meeting any new potential play partners and is important to ensure your safety. The following are quick pointers on vetting potential partners:
- Check their online profiles/presence
- Talk to past play partners
- Ask about their involvement in the BDSM community
- Pay attention to actions behaviours and patterns
- Meet in public first
- Finding the right person (compatibility)
- One of the aims on vetting potential partners is to find someone who you are compatible with. There are a number of ways in which you can be sure you are finding someone who is compatible with you, and these are our quick steps:
- Know yourself and what your needs are and what you are looking for. This could be as simple as completing an online BDSM test to see what your archetypes are and which ones resonate with you. Writing down what needs you want to be met from a potential play partner, what kind of traits you want in a potential play partner and what your limits may or may not be.
- Ask lots of questions. When you are talking with someone who is a potential partner. Ask them lots of questions, see if they have done a BDSM test, what are their needs and limits etc. Openness and communication is extremely important.
- Look for a connection (go with your instincts). Being too rigid in your thoughts can be counterproductive, so while its a good idea to understand yourself and your needs it's just as important to feel comfortable with any potential play partner. So having similar interests or tastes, and having a genuine connection is going to be just as important.
If you get good vibes from them and you are getting along well, then this can open up so much possibility. The right person can bring out parts of yourself you didn't even know existed.
Red Flags
Red flags are not limited to just Dominants/Tops. Anyone can exhibit toxic or abusive behaviour regardless of how they identify to you.
Here are some basic indicators of abusive or inexperienced kinksters.
Red Flags in submissives/bottoms
- Saying they have no hard limits (this may be inexperience or they legitimately have no conceivable hard limits – requires further discussion)
- Saying they will do anything
- Insists in you addressing them with an honorific at first meeting etc
- Not interested in communication
- Says they don't need safewords (this requires further discussion to understand reasons why)
- Manipulative or coercive behaviour
- Demands expensive gifts
- Uses threats of self harm to get their way
Red flags in Dominants/Tops
- Require you to use an honorific on first meeting
- Says you don't need safewords when you want to use them
- Not interested in negotiating or discussing a scene
- Does not believe in aftercare or not open to discussing your aftercare needs
- Manipulative, bullying or coercive behaviour
- Threatens to leave or abandon you (or to find another sub/bottom if you don't submit)
- Ignores your needs or consent or safewords
- Doesn't have limits
- Blocking access to social media, or denying you to speak to anyone else
- Ignores you or refuses to acknowledge or speak to you (without prior discussion)
Generally speaking any person who doesn't feel right, makes you uncomfortable or unsafe, etc is a red flag.
What is the OLD Guard - why knowing about it is important when vetting someone
Sometimes people use the term "Old Guard" when talking about BDSM. They generally use this term incorrectly, with no understanding of its roots and history.
Old Guard is a term for a group within the BDSM community that operates under strict military-style protocols. It originated in the leather S&M clubs of the late 1940s. The group was secretive, as it arose at a time when anything concerning homosexuality or BDSM was considered taboo. Many members of the old guard were World War II veterans, and this helped inform the group’s military-style disciplinary measures.
The group established a certain type of etiquette within the BDSM community. They had a clear formal hierarchy of service and experience within their practice. The Old Guard believed that its members should start out as bottoms and only become tops once they had done their time. There however was anot a standard guide and different areas developed different communities.
The majority of old guard members were gay. These men needed to serve as slaves to masters before gaining entry to the Old Guard. During this period of servitude, they would receive various collars to mark their place in the community. Collars would correspond to the stage of an individual's journey in the community, such as initiation, training, and acceptance.
If someone talks to you about being part of the Old Guard - ask them what it is, what does it mean, what's the history of the Old Guard, to see whether they are genuinely understand it or just using it as a way of making them sound like they are experienced in the community. We are aware of some individuals who have in the past used "old guard" as their excuse for toxic and abusive behaviour.
What you should be mindful of are things that don't sound right and are talked about as red flags, but may not denote an abusive or toxic person, just an inexperienced kinkster. So, if they say they are experienced Dom/sub but exhibit toxic or abusive traits then they could be an abuser, or lied about their experience and knowledge.