Sexuality is a fundamental aspect of the human experience, yet it remains shrouded in shame, stigma, and secrecy. Society has long perpetuated the idea that there is only one “right” way to express one’s sexuality, and anything outside of those norms is considered abnormal or deviant. This attitude can be particularly damaging to those who practice kink or non-mainstream sexual activities, who may face judgment, discrimination, or even legal repercussions for their desires. At the same time, this stigma can also affect those who prefer more vanilla or mainstream sexual practices, as they may be shamed for being “boring” or not adventurous enough. However, the principles of sexual freedom, sex positivity, and consent can offer a way forward, promoting inclusivity, respect, and exploration while also prioritizing safety and consent.
Kink-shaming and vanilla-shaming are two related but opposite phenomena that often occur in discussions about sexual preferences and practices. Kink-shaming refers to the negative judgment or criticism of individuals who engage in non-mainstream sexual activities, while vanilla-shaming refers to the negative judgment or criticism of individuals who prefer more traditional or conventional sexual practices. Both types of shaming are harmful and unacceptable, and can have serious consequences for individuals and communities.
Kink-shaming is a pervasive problem in our society, where many people are still uncomfortable with discussing or exploring their sexual desires and interests. BDSM (bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, and masochism) practices, for example, are often stigmatized as deviant or abnormal, and those who engage in them are often subjected to ridicule, ostracism, or even discrimination. This stigma can make it difficult for individuals to express their desires, find partners who share their interests, or access resources and support.
One of the main reasons why kink-shaming is so harmful is that it reinforces the idea that there is only one “right” way to have sex, and that anything that deviates from this norm is inherently wrong or bad. This narrow view of sexuality ignores the fact that people have diverse desires and preferences, and that consensual and respectful sexual practices can take many different forms. Kink-shaming also perpetuates harmful stereotypes about people who engage in non-mainstream sexual practices, such as the idea that they are perverted, abusive, or mentally unstable.
Vanilla-shaming, on the other hand, is a more recent phenomenon that has emerged as a backlash against kink-shaming. Some people who identify as kinky have started to use the term “vanilla” to refer to those who prefer more conventional or mainstream sexual practices, often in a derogatory or dismissive way. This type of shaming can be just as harmful as kink-shaming, as it can create a sense of inferiority or shame in those who prefer more vanilla sex. It can also perpetuate the same narrow view of sexuality that kink-shaming does, by suggesting that there is only one “right” way to have sex.
One of the problems with this narrow view is it ignores the diversity of human sexuality and preferences, which can vary widely and be influenced by many factors, such as culture, upbringing, and personal experiences. The suggestion of only one “right” way, can also lead to shame, stigma, and discrimination against those who do not conform to these same views, which can be damaging to their self-esteem and well-being. In contrast, sexual freedom and sex positivity advocate for an inclusive and accepting approach to sexuality that celebrates diversity and encourages exploration and experimentation within the bounds of consent and safety. This approach recognizes that there is no one “right” way to express one’s sexuality and that every person has the right to explore and enjoy their desires in a way that feels authentic and fulfilling for them.
However, sexual freedom and sex positivity should not be used as an excuse to overlook the crucial issue of consent. Consent is the cornerstone of ethical and responsible sexual practices, regardless of whether they involve kink or not. All sexual activities must be based on mutual agreement, communication, and respect for boundaries. Consent must be explicit, enthusiastic, and ongoing, meaning that it can be withdrawn at any time.
Moreover, consent allows individuals to take ownership of their bodies and sexual experiences, promoting autonomy and agency. It is crucial to understand that consent must be voluntary and not coerced, meaning that partners must have the freedom to say "no" at any point in a sexual encounter without fear of repercussions or pressure. When consent is not given, or is coerced, sexual experiences can become traumatic, abusive, and harmful.
Consent also requires an understanding of power dynamics, particularly in BDSM practices, where there may be a power differential between partners. This is sometimes overlooked in mainstream discussions about sexual practices.
Power differentials can play a significant role in sexual practices, we particularly see this in BDSM and other kink-related activities. Power differentials refer to differences in social status, physical strength, or emotional vulnerability between partners that can affect the balance of power and control in a sexual encounter. In some cases, these differences can be consensual and negotiated, such as when one partner assumes a dominant or submissive role in a BDSM scene. However, power differentials can also lead to coercion, manipulation, or abuse if one partner uses their position of power to pressure or force the other into sexual activities they do not want. We hear about these situations relating to Bosses and employees, medical professionals and patients regularly. As such, it is essential to acknowledge and address power differentials in all sexual encounters, to ensure that consent is freely given and based on mutual respect and trust.
Ultimately, both kink-shaming and vanilla-shaming are forms of sexual judgment and discrimination that have no place in a respectful and inclusive society. Rather than judging or shaming others for their sexual preferences or practices, we should strive to create a culture of acceptance, openness, and respect, where individuals are free to explore and express their desires without fear of stigma or harm. This can involve challenging harmful stereotypes and misconceptions about different sexual practices, promoting education and awareness about consent and boundaries, and creating safe spaces and communities for individuals with diverse sexual interests and orientations.
Altlife.community has been designed as a space for those of various sexual identies, preference and experience to learn and grow in a safe, inclusive community.