It is never easy when any kind of relationship ends, and it is not uncommon to go through various stages of grief for the loss of the relationship, whether your relationship was "vanilla" or a BDSM Dynamic.
For some people with a relationship ends, it can feel like the end of the world, like a piece is misisng, and for many who are engaged in BDSM Dynamic, the end of the dynamic can sometimes hit harder emotionally then a "vanilla" relationship.
IT'S OK TO FEEL LOST AND GRIEF
As mentioned above, it is OK to feel loss and grief when a relationsip or dynamic comes to an end, it is perfectly acceptable to feel angry, loss, frustration, depression, anxiety etc You are likely to experience a range of emotions and depending on the depth of the relationship and the trust and connection, those emotions you experience after it ends can run deep and long.
The nature of the relationship ending can also heavily impact you. Suddent and unexpected ends to a realtionship eg: because of death or breaking of trust etc, can hurt more and longer for some people, then if its been discussed and mutally agreed. But everyone is different and how you react to the ending of a relatinship is OK.
How to deal with a relationship/dynamic ending?
There really isnt an easy fix to the grief process when a relationship ends but here are a few good tips to consider doing for yourself, regardless of the type of relationship you were in or what your role was in the relatinship/dynamic:
- Give yourself some space. You don't need to shut your ex out of your life but it might be helpful to try to avoid the person for a while after the break-up – this can mean online, too.
- Keep busy. You might find yourself with too much free time on your hands, especially on weekends. Plan ahead and do things that you usually enjoy.
- Take time out for you. Do things that you find relaxing, like watching a movie, listening to music or playing sport.
- Talk to family, friends, Elders and others who can support you. It's OK to want some time to yourself but hanging out with supportive people helps get your mind off things, and can help you get a different perspective.
- Try not to use alcohol and other drugs to deal with the pain. While they might help you feel better at first, the after-effects will leave you feeling much worse.
- Give it time. Allow yourself time to cope with the change after a break-up.
- Try to get regular sleep, exercise and eat well.
Dynamics can be trickier, and sometimes feelings run deeper and there can be more loss and pain felt
For those who are s-types, after a dynamic ends, it can be very difficult without the structure that a D-type provides, you may also feel the loss of not wearing a collar (if you wore one). These are some extra tips for s-types:
- Create your own structure, whether it's on a printout reward chart or something you create that you put on your fridge or your door. Make yourself a list of tasks that you need to do each day and have room for you to be able to tick those off once you complete them.
- Self-collaring. Yes you can self-collar and it may give you some comfort wearing a collar again, if its something physical that helps you ground yourself. Turn it into a ceremony perhaps, and give the collar some meaning to you.
Let's not forget that D-types do have emotions as well, and may also have grief and loss when a relationship/dynamic ends and they no longer have their support and meaning. It can cause a D-type to feel self-doubt, guilt and embarassment, as many will invest part sof their ego or self-worth in owning/training their submissive.
- Spend some time doing activities that might build up your confidence again, .
Relationships ending aren't just for those in monogomous relationships and break-ups do occur with those in Polyam/ENM lifestyles.
There are positive and negatives that can occur when a relationship ends within a Polyam/ENM relationship dynamic. How it affects other relationships or not will be dependant on the cirucmstances.
A positive is that there is a greater support network close by in other partners to talk and discuss the relationship ending and to help talk through feelings and emotions. On the negative, if it's a situation where the relationship has broken down because partners are direspecting other partners, that can be quite messy and problematic and can cause friction and tension across everyone.
COMMUNICATION IS KEY
Regardless of your situation communication is going to be key in the breakdown of any relationship. If you are the one ending it, then having a discussion about the reasons why can help the other person better understand the situation, rather than having a cloud of uncertain or guessing.
IT IS NOT ONE SIZE FITS ALL
Remember that these are just some suggestions, every relationship/dynamic/individual and circumstance is going to be different and how you cope with the ending of that relationship is going to be different to the next person.
Support Services
Here a list of support services in various countries available if you are struggling with anxiety, depression etc and need someone to talk to:
United States:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255 (hearing Impaired: dial 711 then 1-1800-273-8255)
Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741-741
The Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386 - LGBTIQ+
United Kingdom:
Supportline: 01708 765200
Samaritans UK: +44 (0) 8457 90 90 90
National Suicide Prevention Helpline: 0800 689 5652
Switchboard: 0300 330 0630 (10am–10pm every day) - LGBTIQ+
Australia:
Beyond Blue: 1300 224 636
Lifeline: 13 11 14
Headspace: headspace.org.au
QLife: 1800 184 527 (3pm-12am)
List of helplines across the globe:
opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines
If you have any other suggested support services please contact us so we can add these to our list.